My guide dog has given me so much independence and confidence to do things in the 4 1/2 yeas we have been working together, she has also listened to all my woes and never told a soul.
She is now in a stage in her working glide where she is slowing down and her ‘stubborn retriever’ personality is overpowering her guide dog training. But she is still working, I have had to allow myself time to adjust to this slower pace, but a slower guide dog is still a much better option than a long cane. Definitely for me, although I am aware that isn’t the case for everyone.
When she was trained, Vicky also recovered additional ‘target training’ from her handler. This means I can say key words and she will find these for me, for me, this is key when out and about, she is trained for crossing buttons, bins, postboxes, doors, counters and lifts. Since being with me, she has picked up a few extras from the ‘usual’ places we go to. She can now find cash points, she can also find a costa coffee house, even in towns we have never visited before.
But tonight she surprised me totally with her target. Arriving in town we popped to the cashpoint, then leaving there I said “let’s go to the pub then” to which her posture stiffened and she was off, passed the ‘local’ pub that we were stood near into the nicer pub, which was the one we haven’t been in for months and months. But she knew!
The costa coffee I could put down to being a ‘far too regular a route’ but the pub? She didn’t just go to the one we were stood by.
Tonight, after what has been a challenging time with her has just affirmed how much more than a mobility aid she is. She has a memory, she can think on her paws and she does so much more for me than get me from A to B. She keeps me independant.
Oh and tonight she got me a free drink from a stranger while I waited for my friend!!! BONUS
Having a friend that is a cub leader I was invited by him to speak to his cub group about my sight, having a guide dog and help them to understand that people have differences in how they communicate and see the world.
I have done talks before about having and using a guide dog, I have even visited my daughters school to explain about Vicky and as the age of the children increased, the questions moved away from guide dogs and included things like “how do you see your mouth to put food in it?” “How do you see your bottom to wipe it when you’ve been to the loo?” (Which horrified the teacher. Thankfully not me.
So, I started my talk explaining about Vicky, what she did for me, how to react when you see someone with a guide dog, the usual awareness type talk. I then went on to explain about ‘being blind’ and what I couldn’t see rather than what I can’t, after all as I always explain about my sight, I don’t know what I can’t see.
With the help of an app on my iPad that shoes an example of what it is to see with particular eye conditions I was able to show them what a picture looks like for me.
They say apicturespeaks a thousand words. Would you agree?
Above on the left is how I see (without the blackness or red ring) on the right is the actual photograph. With the cubs I did this by taking an image of their cub leader, they were all amazed by it.
The cubs were fantastic, they asked lots of questions including how my guide dog guides me, so by splitting the group up to make a corridor, leaving one child sitting in the middle of it, I showed them.
Vicky walked me along and when she came to the obstacle (the child) she stopped and stood, she ignored the child. I gave her the command to walk on, but as there was no space for us to do that she sat down. I asked her to find the way and she turned me around and walked around the children instead.
I went on to talk about Braille and allowed the children to see an example of this. Again this bought up many questions.
My talk lasted over 40 minutes, but the cubs sat happily listening and asking questions. Speaking with the leader afterwards he told me that he had never seen them so enthusiastic about listening and learning before.
I got a lot out of my talk with the cubs, I just hope that they did to.
Tonight when popping onto Facebook and catching up with my friends news a fellow ‘blindie’ posted about the trouble they had had when booking a table for a family dinner, when doing so she informed them about her guide dog that would be joining them.
She put up on Facebook that they would not recommend her bringing her guide dog is she could leave it home guide dog.
Having eaten at the restaurant before it is a tiny place, not that it is overcrowded, just small. When I ate there it was for a family celebration and as I was going to be enjoying the wine I left my trusted pooch home.
When in the restaurant, the waiters seemed to be struggling to move around the tables as all of the tables were occupied. The tables themselves were quite small especially considering the fact the meals included so many dishes per person.
I am maybe the one who is the devils advocate here, but I do try to look at both sides. To clarify I wasn’t part of the phone conversation, so can only comment on what has been posted on Facebook.
My friend who I shall call Bee says that when booking the table the person she spoke with was very rude.
As a guide dog owner I too have been on the receiving end of rudeness or in most cases, lack of understanding. It is surprising how many people, especially shop and restaurant owners aren’t aware that guide dogs and other assistants dogs are cleared by environmental health to enter their premises.
Bee felt that the restaurant were very rude and is asking guide his team to get involved because if the situation.
But is it real rudeness?
Is it a language barrier? On the telephone voices and accents can sound rude, when they are not understood or heard in the correct context.
Or is it something deeper?
Is it that as someone who is often discriminated against starts off on the back foot?
For those that have faced discrimination or difference just like me become overly defensive and instead of being assertive, form aggression toward certain subjects ?
As the post suggests, it’s all in the perception!!
If you read a Facebook status that a guide dog had been refused entry into a restaurant because of their guide dog. How would you respond?
Having said I would update you on the training and how I was getting on, I let the side down. This wasn’t that the training wasn’t happening, it was just that life got in the way of me writing my blog.
So Sunday 27th came and so did the severe weather warnings!
I have to admit that throughout the training it was the rain I was worried about, not the wind. A very foolish misconception, after all the last 2 Miles of the race where along the sea front at Southsea, with no shelter. And as you will be aware if you have been anywhere near the great outdoors on that day, it was windy…. Very windy.
After an issue with my guide runner, the dog costume for the guide runner and everything coming together at the 11th hour I didn’t have the chance to be nervous about anything other than being able to finish the race.
My original guide runner was too tall for me, making him too fast in stride even at his walk pace. So, thankfully I was able to twist the arm of a friend, to join me. As a former partner, he is aware of my eye condition and my preferred way of being guided and having things explained to me. He also had a good understanding of what it meant to me to be doing such a challenge. Although I don’t think he had a full appreciation for what doing a 10 mile flat open air course would be like with a giant dog suit on!
The dog suit was another issue, the events team at guide dogs was arranging for me to have one of their costumes as the one that I had used from my local Southampton mobility team was already being used by someone else. With just 10 days to go before the race it arrived, a dog costume that looked nothing like the fat little puppy I had borrowed from Southampton, it was a very sad looking dog, with several sewing issues.
So, I went back to Southampton and asked for their help, the fundraising team were fab, they tracked me down a puppy costume that was in good condition, although missing its hand gloves, they arranged for it to be driven down from its home in Leamington and it arrived on the Thursday before the race.
It was a fat chocolate lab puppy costume, that with a guide dog race vest on looked the part. My guide would be able to play the role of being my dog after all.
top dog
So, it was all in place and race day came. On recommendation and for ease we travelled over to Portsmouth on the Gosport Ferry, and then walked the 2 miles to the charity village for a warm up before starting in the ‘green’ heat at 11.05.
It was only once arriving on site and getting the puppy ready, putting my own cane away that the emotion of the day hit.
And oh yes, it hit…. I was in an absolute panic. Not about running the race, not about even completing the race. No, it was something that unless you have trouble with large groups or very little vision will be hard for me to explain in a way that is easily understood.
The volume of people, more that 2500 of them were also taking part, yes we were ranked in different colours depending on ability, the green rank that I was in was the busiest and saved for the casual runners, walkers and those who had never done such an event before.
I was attached by an elastic strap on my wrist to the puppies wrist and when we had trained I had done so to hold his arm between his elbow and wrist. We had trained to work at a good pace together, none of this was of concern, this I had prepared for, trained for and had control over. All the other runners though, well they were a completely different story, over them I had no control, no understanding and nor did they of me.
In such a vast crowd no-one realised that I had a visual impairment or that the dog was my guide, not just a guy dressed up for the fun of it.
So we warmed up together, moved up to the start line together and then it all started, no more time for panic, no more time to think, just time to put my complete and utter faith in my dog.
But in a way that I had never put my faith in Vicky before, I couldn’t not do it now, there were several hundred people behind us, to the sides of us and in front of us and there we were, 2 people with no where to go but forward.
My senses were on ultra high, I could sense all of the people around us, especially those behind us, but I couldn’t judge their speed or distance and with a giant puppy head, vocal commands from my guide were non existant, instead it was all done through feel, touch and gentle gestures…. That we hadn’t practiced or used before. Where he went, I did, I gave up on trying to look forward, the movement of me and others was too hard to focus on, so I put my head down and watched his giant brown puppy paws instead and followed their rhythm.
We had trained together, to run together, but like I said, nothing prepared me for this. I felt like I was a failure, another thing that I couldn’t do, but then there were the people cheering and David attached to me and I WAS DOING IT, even if I had had to walk the whole course, I would have still have done it.
The race really knocked me down, yes I should of trained more, then maybe I wouldn’t have hurt so much after, but no amount of physical fitness prepared me for the emotion and the me part of the day.
I am struggling to explain this, but it was a very large marker for me, on how I do see things differently and how I feel about them. I have never and will not shy away from doing things like this again, in fact I am already thinking of next years challenge. Which not be a running event that is for sure!
I suppose that the reality that I was only able to do such an event by being with another person, not being able to just jog through the crowds and run my own race, I had to do it with a guide. A guide who was very happy to help and happy to go with my pace without complaint. But nether the less, a guide.
The great south run for me was another realisation that I can’t just get up and do things by myself, I am different and in this instance that has caused me upset.
Its been one of the highest moments for me to say YES I DID IT, but a low also to think that I wouldn’t be able to do it alone.
As I have mentioned before, my guide dog has given me so much freedom and Independence, more than I feel I would have if I had continued to use my cane on a daily basis.
Vicky, however has decided that she is getting tired of her role as my guide dog and in recent months has slowed her pace considerably, to the point sometimes that I feel like we are standing still… She has had several health issues and in the past two years having suffered with a growth on her tonsil she has been receiving daily medication in the form of an inhaler. This has enabled her to breath easier. She is happy working and has been assessed several times as I would not wish to work her if she were not happy.
She is still very happy to work, her tail is testament to that, it is just that it is at a slower pace, a pace that is too slow for me.
Having celebrated her Eight birthday, thats Fifty Six in dog years!
The decision was taken last week to retire her from service, when a suitable replacement has been found or she decides she is no longer happy to work, which ever comes first.
This decision has been one that has been at the back of my mind for a little while now, so was not as a complete shock. But as she is such an amazing part of me and my family it is still one that fills me with upset.
I had commented before that when Vicky was to retire I would go on to work with a new dog, which I am still going to do. But I was not prepared for what happened next at the guide dog assessors visit last week!
To be matched with the ‘right dog’ it is important that the guide dog team know as much about your lifestyle as possible. This includes your usual day, places you visit, hobbies, interests, other family members, other pets, etc etc.
I had thought about this bit, I had even written a list, a list that is four times longer than the list I had when applying for Vicky, a list that impressed the assessor as it gave her a very detailed account of my life and what I would need from a dog.
This was all good….. Then E, my assessor invited me to do a ‘handle walk’ This is where she would hold the harness and work with me as if she were the dog.
This is a way of her understanding and judging my pace, stride length and most importantly control and balance, which are key for matching me with the right dog.
So off we went for a walk down my street, where all my neighbours know me and just in time for the mums at the pre-school to be walking past on their way for lunch pick ups.
I vaguely remember the handle walk from when I applied for Vicky, but this time it felt completely different, because I knew what I was doing, well….. In theory that is!
So, off we went. E told me that she was sniffing and I was to correct her, this is the same with a dog, (although with the dog on the harness you can feel them putting their head down to sniff, Vicky doesn’t actually talk to me) It is a vocal correction, where tone is key, if this doesn’t work then it is a correction using the harness, not to hurt the dog, but to stop them. This must be carried out with the correct verbal warning, where timing is crucial. Followed by immediate praise when the dog responds, which again is a different tone.
Then came the praise. Me walking along the street with a grown woman holding the front end of a harness, while I held the harness, telling her she was a ‘good girl’ as one of my daughters dinner ladies walked passed.
Another part of the test was my instructions. E had to find the crossing having been targeted to it, I then had to praise her with a soft yet exciting warm tone (thankfully she was happy for me to forgo the ear rub that they encourage in a new partnership!)
It was back to basics, time to put in place all of the commands that I use daily with Vicky, foot positions that have become second nature, so much so that when E asked me to stand in the ‘starting off position’ I FROZE. I couldn’t remember what this was or how I did it. E understood my hesitation and reassured me that I had used the correct position when we had taken Vicky on her walk earlier. But with E stood beside me I couldn’t remember it. Thankfully she came to my rescue and reminded me of what to do, a simple foot position that sets you off to walk forward or turn left or right in a fluid motion with the dog.
A motion that had become so fluid in fact that when I had to think about it, I couldn’t do it.
We worked on my preferred pace, my pace with the children and my ability to follow. This assessment was the same as the one I had had to complete when I first applied for a guide dog, because having had one dog did not automatically qualify me for another.
I have been assessed as fit to work with a new dog, awaiting medical conformation, which is standard practice. When received I will be put on the waiting list for my next dog.
This is a scary, yet exciting prospect. But one that will only help strengthen me for my future.
Part of me as a person, is someone who works and earns my own money. Being on benefits for me is a failure of my ability to do this.
I am currently in a position that I am reliant on the help that they offer. I am home looking after my two children, now on my own after my relationship broke down earlier this year.
But I want to do more……
It is not that I do not love being at home, or that I don’t love my children, but I need more. I have a strong work ethic and I want to be able to support my children more and allow them to have nicer things.
My career before my sight started to deteriorate was in design, a career that yes I could have continued with with the correct support, but one that I felt that my heart had fallen out of.
I have also worked within administration and with charities that deal with sight loss. But although I ave an eye condition and I enjoy the volunteer roles that I have with Open Sight and Guide dogs, my sight is just part of me.
So time to look to the future and to see what I can do for my next career.
Last year I started this ball rolling by doing a taster course in counselling. I fell in love with it as a subject and as a possible career move. And despite my initial concerns my sight loss has no affect on me being able to support others. It just means that I need to do things in a slightly different way.
This year I have been working towards my ABC certificate in counselling. Class makes up just 4 hours with 8 hours at home, however for me this is more like 12.
Studying and all that comes with it has been a learning curve in more ways that just the subject! I have learnt a lot about how and when I can use my eye’s and sight to get the most out of them, without creating negativities for myself.
An example of this, is using the computer. As I have said before, I am a Mac user and as such, have a MacBook Pro and iPad. Both of which offer fabulous accessibility as standard. (maybe thats another blog in the making!) But when I can use my Macs is becoming limited.
If I want to be able to close my eyes and wind them down to sleep, I must not be using them after 9pm in the evening. Even with the speech software, I still try to use my remaining sight, its a natural reflex. If I have reading to do, this must be done even earlier in the evening or preferably during the day.
So, study is nothing like the all-night, stopping only to use the loo sessions that I had when at university just 10 years ago. Which is a real marker for me of the deterioration that has occurred.
So, my work is done with an hour here, an hour there and also a stopwatch. Because as with most people when I am deep into something, time can run away with me and with my eye’s I do not feel the affects immediately, but it is often a few hours after.
But this has not put me off.
Just this week, went in the application for the DipHe in Counselling. Its a whole day at Eastleigh with 2 1/2 days of home study. The ‘perk’ of this course is that I can apply for assistance in the form of a scribe for the time in college. I can also apply for a grant to help me to upgrade my Mac, to a larger screen as my existing mac is becoming a struggle. Its not going to be easy. This I am in no doubt about, but this is where I want to be.
So, as I can no longer do late night studying, I will have to give VERY early mornings a trial instead.
It happens around us, it creeps up around you and before you and before you know it, lots has happened and you haven’t written a single part of it down.
So here I am, writing it down.
Bear with me, there is training for the great south run to catch up on, a new gym experience, my guide dog, gained independence, the fun of benefits and me finding out about me. So over the next few days there will be a fair few updates, some will be archived depending I when they occurred, so have a good look around.
My condition is such that it often alters very little over time, so on a daily basis I may not notice any difference from the day or week before. But when I go to do something that I did some time ago, that it when I notice it.
This recognition that something has changed, often hits me like a smack in the mouth!
When I started working for my employer in 2011 I had been using my home computer and work computer on a much lower level. By this I mean that in my previous role my work was split up between dealing with clients, the computer and general office work.
The new position was all computer based and telephone connection with clients. No more face to face contact. Isolating yes, but this meant that I could work from home in the evenings after the homework was done.
Working from full spreadsheets I started to notice problems, through a scheme ran by the government called ‘access to work’ I was able to apply for a grant for adaptions to my computer, this included zoom text software to magnify the screen and allow me to move around the page with ease, this worked well.
But like all companies, the software and processes that they used changed. I moved from a spreadsheet to an up to the minute online calling system, all the information was there in front of me, the computer also did an automatic dial to the client.
The new system was a struggle.
I work very well with order and sequence, with the new system this wasn’t always the case depending on the needs of the client. This was not a design fault of the system the company used. It was an issue I had due to my sight loss. The programme was very simplistic and easy to use, were you able to see it all on one screen, which with the magnification, I couldn’t.
Work were more than happy to offer support and to aid me with my work I was able to work at a reduced rate without financially missing out while I went through a transition phase working with the new system.
It was in this period that I began to struggle personally with my sight loss and its implications, as a person who has a very strong work ethic I felt that I was letting myself and the company down.
It took months to actually admit this, during which time I struggled on. It was at my breaking point in June 2012 that I admitted my struggles to my doctor, who was very kind, understanding and started to work with me to get the help and support that I required.
I also contacted my employers accessibility team and explained my issues, they made an assessment and felt that moving away from magnification and moving to a screen reading technology would be better for me. So back to ATW I went with my report and all of my needs, including a brailliant (a computerised braille reader) I was able to start on the road to doing my job in a different, new and exciting way.
In theory anyway……..
Because of the way in which screen readers read a page on the computer and the layout of the software used, the two were not compatible. An issue that was not of great concern for me as I was to move back to working with the spreadsheets, a preference of mine. They included more data so that I was not disadvantaged over my colleagues.
But I broke.
I have been using a Mac for a long time and using the built in accessibility and with the help of my voice Lily, I have got on very well with it when I have needed it.
Having some useable sight I struggled to let go of that completely and with that I developed an eye strain that had a great affect on my levels of concentration for which I need to take eye drops on almost an hourly basis if I am using the computer or even watching tv or a film.
In October I took the step to visit my doctor again and explain these issues, she felt that it was important for me to understand my depression and how to deal with this and in turn my altering eye condition. So she made an alteration to medications and put me forward for counselling. Oh, and she signed me ‘unfit to work’
Having undertaken many changes in my life, some positive, some not so I attended a final stage sickness review with my employer, and on Monday my contract with them was terminated on medical grounds.
I had always hoped to return to work, but this position was one, that even with assistive technology and support I would not be capable of, not through lack of knowledge or an imcompetance, just through circumstance.
This I think is a decision and understanding I had come to by myself long before the meeting, after all to get to stage three, I had been through stages 1 and 2, an in-depth report from my own doctor and an independent medical assessment.
It is heartbreaking to say goodbye to this job, today was the final ending as my ,ine manager collected all 6 boxes of computers, technologies and the hub that they had installed on the start of my employment.
This equipment has been boxed up for a few months to save it from the kids and dust, but the space it has left caused a tear or two.
I see this a defeat, I HATE to fail, to let people down. To let myself down. It is always hard for anyone to walk away from something when it is not working. But hopefully this is one stress crossed of the list and will enable me to move forward.
I struggle with staying indoors or doing nothing when the sun starts to shine. With the bad weather we have had despite it being April, I am getting serious cabin fever.
So on Sunday morning with my swimming partner out of action due to illness, instead of going to the pool alone, I popped to my mum and dads for a large mug of green tea….. This was my first solo bike ride, a round trip of just under 11 miles!
I struggled to hold the bike up at first as my whole body was shaking with a mix of fear and excitement.
Even writing this I feel pathetic. I am a 32 year old woman, who has been riding a bike since I was about 4…. This was a huge step for me though. And one that deep down I know is not pathetic.
I know the route to mum and dads really well, some would say I could do it with my eyes closed….. And in the dark, that would be almost the same thing. It is almost all cycle path, no problem at all.
Until you factor in joggers, other cyclists and the odd low flying buzzard!
As part of my condition I lost my ability to judge speed and depth, so when seeing another cyclist, I just stop. sounds daft, but then I can’t possibly ride into them that way. This does leave me often standing still for a while, but its the safest way I can think of.
I’m not sure what my consultants would say if they knew that I did this, I am not legally allowed to drive a car, but I have never been asked to take a test to ride a push bike. If I didn’t feel safe….. I wouldn’t do it, and like I said in a previous post, I do know my area very well and will only ride within cycle lanes, cycle paths and on the odd footpath in between.
In doing this and trying to keep my independence, I have also been called a fraud, but then, in reading a label in the supermarket or looking at my own watch I have also been called a fraud.
This is an open blog, please feel free to let me know your opinion. Good or Bad, all I ask is that you keep your language polite.
Having thrown myself into everything and anything, I began to freakish that my time was being overtaken by my need to help others, and the reason I was helping others was to stop me thinking about my problems and my issues that I was having with understanding and coming to terms with my own condition and sight loss.
The catalyst for this came when I began to find out that magnification on my computer was not enough to help me at work, it was time to move on to a screen reading piece of software. This is a wonderful technology, using hot keys you move around a document reading your way around each page instead of seeing it.
For me, this was just a nail in the coffin to confirm that I was different and couldn’t just get by like I always had in the past…….. Still now almost a year later after it was suggested to me, I can’t bring myself to do it.
I am a MAC user at home, you name it, I got it…. Mac Book Pro, Ipad, Ipod, Iphone…. Me and Siri have a love hate relationship at times and a my friends are now getting used to reading between the lines in my messages.
But for me, screen reading is a major hurdle and because of this, I have not been at work since October and my future in my role is now in question.
Its not the learning something new part that I struggle with, I have learnt brailleIts so much more than that….. its letting go of using my eyes so much.
Its Hard. It has led me into a world of depression and feelings of loneliness.
Writing about this is very painful, so bear with me please…..
Now however I feel that I have hit my rock bottom. So for now I’m learning to climb. And to not fear, but instead accept help when it is offered.
That is the hardest part, being strong, independent, yet allowing myself to ask for help and not seeing myself as a failure for doing so
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