Tag Archive for see my way

10 Dec 2020
Blind Blog

Loosing Control or rather Rethinking that Control

Loosing control is just two words, saying them is the easy part; actually allowing myself to do them is a whole other story.

Control can mean many things to many people; for me control it is organising, planning and reducing the opportunity for me to feel ‘out of control’ in a situation, because when it comes to my sight and hearing loss I don’t have any control.

It is why I have been known to walk a virtual route of a new area with the help of Google Maps and Google Streetview. It is also how I can appear confident and independent; When actually most of the time I am neither, I am just simply prepared.

And for the most part, this tactic works.

Then……. Then I do something I never expected to feel out of control with and so ensued a moment of vulnerability. (Or rather a good 10 minutes) and I find myself overrun by emotion.

What was I doing? I hear you ask.

I was out for a bike ride on my tandem, something I have done many times before, in an area that I know incredibly well. Which maybe is why it hit me so hard.

We were on a cycle path, not the main road, yet as we approached a set of traffic lights the turn felt wrong, so I tried to stop it, which anyone who has ever been on the back of a tandem will tell you is damn near impossible!

So we wobbled, my feet came off of the pedals as did my pilots and although we didn’t come off the bike completely it could easily be classed as a ‘Near Miss’

Hence my upset and emotion.

Thankfully my pilot knows me well and in the middle of this simply said:

You’re in control of what you get to enjoy and feel relaxed about. You control the route we take, I’ll help with the rest.

We do all this as a team. I’ll brake, change gears and steer, I’ll keep us safe.

The worst part of it for me was that because I had panicked, because I had lost control, my pilot could have got hurt and when I said this mid snotty-sob he simply replied:

But I didn’t…. WE had it covered.

Which made me realise that as a team…. We did.

Because of my lack of sight and hearing, it only goes to follow that my balance and perspective is greatly altered. It was this that had sent me into my moment of panic. And from that point on, on the ride I simply listen to my pilot, pedalled harder on the up-hill and let the bike coast on the down-hill. All while trying to enjoy the view.

And now, back with both feet firmly on the ground I can reflect. And realise that this was an inevitable, because I needed to accept that being on a tandem IS a team effort, No matter how good my sight, even I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. So rather than look at it as a ‘byproduct’ of my disability it is time for me to rethink cycling. Cycling is something I CAN do; I just CHOOSE to do it a part of a team.

After all, the benefit of being on a tandem is that you are only 50% responsible for getting up those steep hills!

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20 Aug 2020
Blind Blog

Is Zoom the 2020 equivalent to Marmite?


Love it or hate it; one thing that we have all learnt during the pandemic is how to use the video conferencing app Zoom.

From conferences and Pub quizzes to Weddings, Zoom has enabled us to connect even when physically we can’t.

For me, with my visual impairment it was an incredibly steep learning curve to understand how to use it to its full potential.

I have hosted many a meeting with friends, colleagues and even the cub scouts who are all unable to meet face to face at this time.

When ‘Share screen’ goes on my own camera goes off. Then I can sit with my nose up close to actually see the content.

For conferences it has enabled me to join in when if I was at an event in person I may struggle due to the amount of people, the noise level and even at times the flashing lights. This all disappears on Zoom.

For other meetings it has enabled me to be in the comfort of my own home, rather than making a lengthy journey across the country, which in turn has enabled many more people to join the meeting who may have been restricted before due to location or time.

And as I said above, just Last weekend, I had the privilege of watching two wonderful friends celebrate and marrying each other; After the original ceremony was postponed at the very beginning of the pandemic.

Even though it was via zoom I dressed for the occasion, following the guidance that the couple had previously shared as their ceremony took place in a Mosque.

But why did I like this via zoom so much? I hear you ask.

The answers are very simple.

Because I was actually able to SEE my friends as they spoke. It was set up so that each of those within the Mosque that read out, sung or spoke were on a different camera to the couple.

Again it enabled me to momentarily turn off my own camera so that I could look closely at the happy couple and see the beautiful decorations that were set out before them and also the beautiful outfits they were wearing.

As this ceremony took place in a Mosque, had we been able to meet in person then this is where we would have continued the celebrations with food afterwards. Obviously there is no way to convey this via a video conferencing app, however it did mean that I was able to see up close as the happy couple cut into their amazing wedding cake.

Yes, I would have much rather have been able to be there with them in person to celebrate. To hug them both. However, for me because of my sight and hearing issues I feel that I was actually able to enjoy their special day more, because of the closeness of the camera to them, because of the way it was set up that when someone else spoke it flicked over to their camera. (Were I there in person I would have no way to see who was talking)

Via zoom for me, there is also no worry of the travel, the hotel arrangements, the concerns over coping without my guide dog, among other anxieties.

And more importantly it meant that two of my wonderful friends were able to join together and start this new chapter of their lives; as a partnership.

There will come a time when we can meet together, gather and celebrate. And that is most certainly a day I am looking forward to, sadly though I feel we are a long way off such at time at the moment.

I had used zoom prior to the pandemic, but only for meetings and the odd training.

Yet now, it is an integral part of my life and for me personally it helps me to overcome some of the issues that could hold me back because of my sight and hearing loss.

So, just as I love marmite I think I can honestly say, I am a big fan of Zoom. I know it isn’t for everyone, my own son for example absolutely hates it. But then he isn’t a fan or Marmite either !

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30 May 2020
Blind Blog

What is this all leading to ?

Yellow medal staring 50 miles walked

Lockdown has not been easy for me from a mental health point of view. As someone who holds multiply volunteer roles I work better when my schedule is full.

They say

If you want something done, ask a busy person.

And for me that is most definitely the case. When I have all the time in the world to do something it never gets done. To the point that my diary schedule now also includes specific days and times for mundane housework.

I also need to find something to get me working out, gaining strength and becoming fitter; rather than just sitting in front of Netflix’s.

Along came a Facebook advert for a virtual challenge called ‘Race At Your Pace.’ Ever skeptical about just adverts I asked a few friends and they confirmed it was a genuine company and that actually many of them were doing a running challenge with them.

Social distancing for me with a visual impairment means that I am unable to run or cycle; given that I need either a guide runner to run with me or a pilot to ride my tandem.

Which left me with walking.

Not a problem, as I needed to exercise my guide dog Fizz, and this was a mix between ‘working walks’ for her in harness and ‘sniffy walks’ where she was on a longer lead and able to just be a dog, sniffing at each post to catch up on all the ‘Pee-Mails’

So, April’s challenge was set, I set myself the target of 50 miles of walking workouts. Which I new was a MASSIVE challenge for me, however with both indoor walks and outdoor walks counting I felt it was achievable.

Oh how wrong was I?

In April I did walk 50 miles, however it saw me going right up to the last minute with a 4 mile walk on the 30th April. Having always measured my distance in Kilometres, it was a bit of a shock to the system to measure in Miles.

However when this beauty arrived in the post I felt proud that I had achieved it.

And having gone right to the wire for April I knew I needed to work harder. So not only did I re-enter for May, but upped the distance…. This time 65miles.

A target that I not only reached on the 29th May with 2 days to spare but I discovered that I had smashed through it as only looking a ‘walking workouts’ on my Apple Watch did not include the 6+miles I had recorded as ‘Hikes’.

So yes, you have probably guessed by now, I am going again in June, I am again increasing my distance…. increasing to 75 miles.

But why?

I hear you ask, we’ll Lockdown has been a time of planning, and for now let’s just say when the world reopens I will be walking much much further than 50, or 65 , or even 75 miles……

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20 May 2020
Blind Blog

Two months in ….. Covid-19 and me.

Uk gov poster reads, stay alert, control the virus, save lives

As I sit here on a Wednesday evening and type up this blog, I must begin with saying that I am well. I am not, nor have I been unwell with Covid-19 or had any symptoms. (Lets just hope that hasn’t put a ginx on it)

As all news channels are continually reminding us,

We are living in unprecedented times.

And that is putting it mildly. As I touched on in my previous blog post over eight weeks ago; when we hadn’t actually fully entered into enforced social distancing and restrictions on what we did and how we did it.

Social distancing and being aware of those around you are not so easy when you have sight or hearing issues. (I can only assume that people with other disabilities must also be finding this time hard)

The country as a whole has never seen anything like this in peacetime…..

Even the amazing Captain Tom Moore, who set out to raise £1,000 for NHS charities as he walked 100 laps of his garden in celebration of his impending 100th Birthday (who has actually raised over £33 million to date) says that this virus is nothing like any of the wars he was part of.

We have seen our country led by our amazing NHS workers, supermarket staff, delivery drivers, teachers, support staff among many many others and where The Daily Briefing has become part of a daily routine for so many, along with the weekly ‘Clap for Carers’ on Thursday evenings, I am struggling to find the words to write.

Yes, you did hear that right…

All of my volunteer roles are suspended.

Planning for my next big adventure is on hold.

My house has been rearranged multiple times.

I hold weekly meetings with my small group sisters from church.

Sunday morning worship is all online via a live church platform.

And in all honesty; I find using Zoom absolutely exhausting. However, at the same I time I am incredibly grateful for this way to be able to stay in contact with others.

Daily life and this ‘new normal’ isn’t easy on anyone. However, I made a conscious decision at the beginning of this to be more of a Positive Patsy that a Negative Nancy; don’t get me wrong, I have hosted a few pity parties for one. But actually the way you react to a situation is what strengthens you as a person.

For me, the biggest part of this is my independence, there are no other adults living in my home. My son has continued to live between me and his dad, while my daughter has been isolating with her dad and step mum for about 10 weeks and only seeing her on my phone has been heartbreaking, however she needs to protect her dads health and being 14 she is actually incredibly well adapted for not going out and only speaking to people via WhatsApp and Instagram.

Delivery slots for shopping are still few and far between, however one bit of good news is that Tesco have (off of their own backs) enabled those with visual impairments to register for their priority delivery. While sight loss charities Guide Dogs, RNIB and The Thomas Pilkington Trust have been working on a petition to make the government aware of the vulnerabilities of those with sight loss and the need for these to be included within the Governments scheme especially to enable access to home delivery from supermarkets.

The Bad news is that my guide dog Fizz doesn’t understand why when we do go into town that we are not going into Caffè Nero, Coffee 1 or Costa (being that they are all closed). She is however grateful that we can still shop in Wilko and Poundland, because actually for cleaning supplies, medications and toiletries I have found these stores much quieter than popping into a supermarket for anything I need between deliveries. (And the plus for Fizz is that both stores have pet aisles!). And for my own sanity, having the ability to pick up these little bits myself has helped me feel in control.

Guide dog Fizz sat with her red and white check harness infront of a wall painted with a giant rainbow to support the nhs

Social distancing has continued under the government guidance and I fully understand and support the need for this, to not just keep me safe; but to also keep others safe…. Especially key workers.

For me it is simply the struggle for me to do this…… Although Fizz has started to just stop and stand still when anyone comes near us, I have found different stores difficult for different reasons. Especially since the introduction of one-way routes. My local Coop store has been the best by far. Not only have they put arrows on the floor to point you in the right direction; they have also put big red ‘NO ENTRY’ markings on the floor for aisles you should not enter at that end. Simple, yet for me incredibly affective as I can see the red much clearer than the blue arrows.

As I said before, I have decided to be more of a Positive Patsy (and not as in continually drunk like the Patsy in Abs Fab) and in turn my anxiety has reduced as this ‘lockdown’ has continued. There have been occasions where I have missed the queue of people socially distancing to get into a store. It was not intentional that I queue jumped, it was rather that Fizz has set routes and entrances that she is use to using. I have tried my best to keep the distance between me and others, but I have also made mistakes. And when we have been out on our daily exercise Fizz has taken to just stopping, standing still and waiting for the other people on the path to move out of our way or cross the road. Which (at the moment) I can’t decide if this is a good or a bad thing.

So, for someone who couldn’t find the words to write this post, I have managed to take up quite a bit of your time. It’s turned into a long post; however that said, I hope that you have enjoyed it.

Please do Stay Safe, if you can Stay Home, Protect the NHS and above all please Take Care.

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19 May 2020
Blind Blog

Meaningful Memories

Social media can be both a blessing and a curse. It has the power to make or break your day. For some it is part of their daily routine; flicking through friends posts and memes of cats over morning coffee.

I have always said that my Facebook wall is mine to graffiti how I see fit, it contains The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. However this may not be how others use it.

For me each day I look back on my memories. A chance to look back and see what I was doing on this day in any given year right back to 2008.

Memories of both my son and daughter growing up, my pregnancy with my son, family celebrations and days out. They also map out my journey with sight loss; because although I was born with my conditions, I slipped through the net until 2008, however I did keep my Facebook posts about this part of my life fairly vague, that is until I got the news that I had been accepted onto the waiting list for a guide dog in August 2009.

The other day a post popped up in my memories that holds even more truth now then it did in 2012, especially as way back then I wasn’t aware of how just two years later my life would be, or that I would later discover that I was loosing my hearing too.

The post read:

Some people go through life asking “why me?” Others say “God gave me this/these challenges to test me.” I say “if you can’t change a situation, change your attitude towards it.” My disability does not define me, nor does it rule my life. I define me, I rule my life… I am me, not my disability. My crappy eyes are only a small part of me, tiny in relation to other parts… My personality for example. Do not define me by my disability and i will not define you by your ignorance.

And this popping up in my memories was a timely reminder that I define me, not my disabilities, my differing abilities or other people. However as one friend pointed out;

I like your crappy eyes, if it weren’t for them, we would never have met.

Which is also true, through my love of helping others, numerous charities and even supporting children in cub scouts I have been able to cross paths with so many that had I not had any of this, I doubt we would.

So, the point of this blog?

My one piece of advice would be that it is okay to look back every now and again, but only so you can see how far you have actually come.

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19 Mar 2020
Blind Blog

The only Corona I want is the ice-cold one that comes with a wedge of lime

Over the last week to ten-days there has been a real shift in how we all behave; And rightly so. Covid-19 is no joke and not something we should take lightly.

This is a strange time, unlike any other I have ever faced in my lifetime and actually many people have never faced since WW2.

It is a time when the vulnerable are simply facing greater vulnerability..

The simple things that many people (vulnerable or not) take for granted, like having your supermarket shop delivered to your door; even being able to buy toilet roll because your on your last roll.

For me, this time has been one of increased anxiety, and I would put much of that down to my disabilities.

My disabilities don’t place me in the group of ‘at risk’ thankfully, however many of the measures in place are much more difficult for me.

When at home, washing my hands and cleaning are easy for me. However when out and about, not so much.

In the last day or two WHO (World Health Organisation) have recommended social distancing. And this has been a major issue for me.

Made even more difficult because I have an incredibly sociable guide dog !!

Keeping a significant distance of two meters when you have no depth perception and a visual impairment that means if you put your arm out in-front of you, you can’t see your own hand; How do you actually know how close to someone you are standing?

All of my many volunteer roles have been put on hold. My social life (aka my coffee habit) has significantly decreased. However my walking and ‘escaping to the great outdoors’ has increased.

The biggest challenge for me at this time of uncertainty the most difficult thing for me is asking for help or accepting help when it is offered.

I am stubbornly independent, however I had a moment early this week when I had to swallow my pride and ask a friend to take me food shopping. Because no amount of independence would have made it possible for me to do a ‘usual’ fortnightly shop in person because no deliveries were available. That very same friend has been absolutely amazing in ensuring that both my physical and mental health are not being affected by all of this.

Thankfully social distancing doesn’t have to be a adhered to when working my guide dog. She is and can continue to be my left hand lady. Our walks have been very different, but with more time for her to run around and she hasn’t seemed to mind too much.

My message to you all is to stay home, to stay safe and more importantly share with those who are not as fortunate as yourself. However if you do catch the Coronavirus, isolate, order in, and ASK FOR HELP.



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08 Mar 2020
Blind Blog • Challenges

Puzzling perceptions

Always one for challenging myself.

However, this challenge is on a totally different level than any other I have done before.

It’s not particularly physically challenging, rather mentally challenging and reliant heavily on a sensitive touch. (A skill I am working on improving)

What is this challeng? I hear you ask….

It’s a puzzle, not as in I am teasing you all; but rather an actual puzzle. A jigsaw puzzle that is.

With my lack of sight, the actual picture on the puzzle is redundant. So, for this reason I have chosen one made up of butterflies, in varying colours and shades, to give a finished puzzle that is almost a rainbow.

I will be honest, it’s been hard work. There has been tears and just to get to this stage has taken many a late night.

It all started with finding the edge pieces. Then out came my magnifier; so that I could separate the pieces by their main colour, which is easier said then done as several of the pieces morph into the next colour.

So, for now this is where I am.

Image of a white board with all the edges of the colourful jigsaw pieces on it. Sat in the centre is a tray with the separated colours in.
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29 Feb 2020
Blind Blog

London sans guide dog.

I am just heading home after an amazing evening at the theatre.

With my dear friend as my sighted guide I left my leading lady Fizz with a friend for a doggy-sleep-over. 

With work commitments it was literally up to London for the show and home again, not really ideal given the wintery weather. Also I would not be alone until on my own home territory; Fizz deserves to be able to put her paws up and relax.

There are few positives about me going out with my cane against going out with Fizz, however one of the biggest makes me act a bit like a kid in a sweatshop, which would be …………….. Travelling on escalators!!

No need to hunt for the stairs, or find the lift. I can literally get swept along with the crowd at London Victoria and (remembering to stand on the right hand side) travel up and down the series of moving stairs.

No walking out of the station; into the rain to find the obscurely placed lift that has only been an addition in recent years.

My friend was born and brought up in London, so she was a brilliant guide. However, London theatre district on a Friday evening is not a place for the faint hearted!

And I would be lying if I said I didn’t make the odd ‘deliberate’ cane tap with Mr and Mrs Arrogant. (Fellow long cane users will know where I am coming from on this)

However we both survived.

We enjoyed the comedy.

I succeeded in making my friend laugh with my ability to act as if I were Moses, parting the oncoming crowds as if they were the sea.

And all while not having to think of where the nearest patch of grass or earth around a tree was.

It isn’t often I would venture into the capital without my guiding girl Fizz, but given the times of the travel, not leaving London until just before midnight it was much more important to ensure Fizz’s needs were met….. While pleasing another of my friends as Fizz went to hers for a sleepover and a play date with her pet dog.

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31 Dec 2019
Blind Blog

Changing Perceptions

I am in the midst of working on my 2020 challenge, but in a bid to let Fizz work and for me to get a change of scenery we popped into town.

But not before I packed a book I am reading at the moment. An actual hard covered book with pages as not all books are produced equal and come with an audio version.

There was nothing to tempt me in the sales, so off to Caffè Nero we headed. (Other coffee shops are available)

Coffee ordered, seat located and Fizz happily hoovering crumbs; I reached for my book. Realising that in my eagerness to get out I had forgotten to pack my magnifier. No problem though, I could always just use the magnifier on my phone.

My book is fascinating, but all the will in the world I can’t hold it, my phone and my coffee cup all at the same time. So I pop my book and phone down to enjoy some coffee and give my eyes a brief break.

When I hear

“Dad, I didn’t realise blind people could read?”

From a young girl and as the saying goes ‘out of the mouths of babes’ I was not expecting to hear what came next.

In fact it was such a shock I actually found myself fighting back tears. But not in the way you may think.

“Blind people can do ANYTHING, they just have to tweak how a little. That lady is using her phone to magnify the words so they are big enough for her to read, it’s not the reading that’s the issue, it is just the seeing bit.”

His reply to his daughter was perfect. All too often parents and adults shush children when they comment on someone or something that is different. But in my experience it is simply because they do not know or understand, so rightfully they have questions. And they aren’t saying it to be embarrassing or rude.

I personally am happy to answer questions, especially from children as they are raw and genuine.

Yet on this occasion I don’t think I could have added anything to what the dad said; which was just as well because his explanation brought a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat.

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24 Aug 2019
Blind Blog

Encouraging 100,000 Genome update

Back in 2014 after initial genetic screening was ‘inconclusive’ Proffessor Moore at Moorfields ask my permission to enter my blood into the 100,000 Genome Project. A project conducted by the NHS looking specifically at cancers and rare diseases to support treatments, diagnosis and research. (For full details on the project please visit https://www.genomicsengland.co.uk/about-genomics-england/the-100000-genomes-project)

As the name suggests it is a research programme that looks at all 100,000 genes. So I was advised it would take some time before any results were expected back.

However, Prof had felt that given my various conditions that were going on with my eyes I would most likely have some interesting results come back.

Fast forward 5 years and this arrived in the post.

Photograph shows a letter, blood form and plastic canister for holding blood vile in

Preliminary results for my genes are in, but to look at these in more detail I have been asked to send in more blood! Thankfully I was able to book in with my local doctors surgery and pop my samples back in the post. (Which is exactly what I did)

In the meantime I had my bi-annual visit to Moorfields, where the registra I saw started to explain the preliminary findings; Prof wasn’t wrong in his thoughts !!!

Which all I can say at this time is that they are most certainly interesting and not what was suspected at all. Not in a bad way, no illnesses or disturbing diseases were discovered; but in a way that has opened more questions than it has answered.

So, now to wait up to a year for the detail results to come back and hopefully a clearer understanding….. Watch this space.

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