Tag Archive for Disability

Getting a handle on things

As I have mentioned before, my guide dog has given me so much freedom and Independence, more than I feel I would have if I had continued to use my cane on a daily basis.

Vicky, however has decided that she is getting tired of her role as my guide dog and in recent months has slowed her pace considerably, to the point sometimes that I feel like we are standing still… She has had several health issues and in the past two years having suffered with a growth on her tonsil she has been receiving daily medication in the form of an inhaler. This has enabled her to breath easier. She is happy working and has been assessed several times as I would not wish to work her if she were not happy.

She is still very happy to work, her tail is testament to that, it is just that it is at a slower pace, a pace that is too slow for me.

Having celebrated her Eight birthday, thats Fifty Six in dog years!

The decision was taken last week to retire her from service, when a suitable replacement has been found or she decides she is no longer happy to work, which ever comes first.

This decision has been one that has been at the back of my mind for a little while now, so was not as a complete shock. But as she is such an amazing part of me and my family it is still one that fills me with upset.

I had commented before that when Vicky was to retire I would go on to work with a new dog, which I am still going to do. But I was not prepared for what happened next at the guide dog assessors visit last week!

To be matched with the ‘right dog’ it is important that the guide dog team know as much about your lifestyle as possible. This includes your usual day, places you visit, hobbies, interests, other family members, other pets, etc etc.

I had thought about this bit, I had even written a list, a list that is four times longer than the list I had when applying for Vicky, a list that impressed the assessor as it gave her a very detailed account of my life and what I would need from a dog.

This was all good….. Then E, my assessor invited me to do a ‘handle walk’ This is where she would hold the harness and work with me as if she were the dog.

This is a way of her understanding and judging my pace, stride length and most importantly control and balance, which are key for matching me with the right dog.

So off we went for a walk down my street, where all my neighbours know me and just in time for the mums at the pre-school to be walking past on their way for lunch pick ups.

I vaguely remember the handle walk from when I applied for Vicky, but this time it felt completely different, because I knew what I was doing, well….. In theory that is!

So, off we went. E told me that she was sniffing and I was to correct her, this is the same with a dog, (although with the dog on the harness you can feel them putting their head down to sniff, Vicky doesn’t actually talk to me) It is a vocal correction, where tone is key, if this doesn’t work then it is a correction using the harness, not to hurt the dog, but to stop them. This must be carried out with the correct verbal warning, where timing is crucial. Followed by immediate praise when the dog responds, which again is a different tone.

Then came the praise. Me walking along the street with a grown woman holding the front end of a harness, while I held the harness, telling her she was a ‘good girl’ as one of my daughters dinner ladies walked passed.

Another part of the test was my instructions. E had to find the crossing having been targeted to it, I then had to praise her with a soft yet exciting warm tone (thankfully she was happy for me to forgo the ear rub that they encourage in a new partnership!)

It was back to basics, time to put in place all of the commands that I use daily with Vicky, foot positions that have become second nature, so much so that when E asked me to stand in the ‘starting off position’ I FROZE. I couldn’t remember what this was or how I did it. E understood my hesitation and reassured me that I had used the correct position when we had taken Vicky on her walk earlier. But with E stood beside me I couldn’t remember it. Thankfully she came to my rescue and reminded me of what to do, a simple foot position that sets you off to walk forward or turn left or right in a fluid motion with the dog.

A motion that had become so fluid in fact that when I had to think about it, I couldn’t do it.

We worked on my preferred pace, my pace with the children and my ability to follow. This assessment was the same as the one I had had to complete when I first applied for a guide dog, because having had one dog did not automatically qualify me for another.

I have been assessed as fit to work with a new dog, awaiting medical conformation, which is standard practice. When received I will be put on the waiting list for my next dog.

This is a scary, yet exciting prospect. But one that will only help strengthen me for my future.

Employment and support allowance

Having suffered with my employer and my depression caused by my continued battle with getting to grips with my deteriorating eye condition and having to learn to use a new form of accessible software that I didn’t feel ready for, I had been on long term sick leave since October 2012. In February this year, after a lot of thinking, adjustments and not very successful adjustments, I was let go from my position on medical grounds.

This did not in fact cause me any great upset, as I had come to the conclusion that my current role was not the one for me.

It was the thought of accepting my eye condition and applying for the government benefit, for people like me who are unable to work…. Employment and Support allowance, often referred to as ESA. Read more

Another ending

My condition is such that it often alters very little over time, so on a daily basis I may not notice any difference from the day or week before.  But when I go to do something that I did some time ago, that it when I notice it.

This recognition that something has changed, often hits me like a smack in the mouth!

When I started working for my employer in 2011 I had been using my home computer and work computer on a much lower level.  By this I mean that in my previous role my work was split up between dealing with clients, the computer and general office work.

The new position was all computer based and telephone connection with clients.  No more face to face contact.  Isolating yes, but this meant that I could work from home in the evenings after the homework was done.

Working from full spreadsheets I started to notice problems, through a scheme ran by the government called ‘access to work’ I was able to apply for a grant for adaptions to my computer, this included zoom text software to magnify the screen and allow me to move around the page with ease, this worked well.

But like all companies, the software and processes that they used changed.  I moved from a spreadsheet to an up to the minute online calling system, all the information was there in front of me, the computer also did an automatic dial to the client.

The new system was a struggle.

 

I work very well with order and sequence, with the new system this wasn’t always the case depending on the needs of the client.  This was not a design fault of the system the company used.  It was an issue I had due to my sight loss.  The programme was very simplistic and easy to use, were you able to see it all on one screen, which with the magnification, I couldn’t.

Work were more than happy to offer support and to aid me with my work I was able to work at a reduced rate without financially missing out while I went through a transition phase working with the new system.

It was in this period that I began to struggle personally with my sight loss and its implications, as a person who has a very strong work ethic I felt that I was letting myself and the company down.

It took months to actually admit this, during which time I struggled on.  It was at my breaking point in June 2012 that I admitted my struggles to my doctor, who was very kind, understanding and started to work with me to get the help and support that I required.

I also contacted my employers accessibility team and explained my issues, they made an assessment and felt that moving away from magnification and moving to a screen reading technology would be better for me.  So back to ATW I went with my report and all of my needs, including a brailliant (a computerised braille reader) I was able to start on the road to doing my job in a different, new and exciting way.

In theory anyway……..

Because of the way in which screen readers read a page on the computer and the layout of the software used, the two were not compatible.  An issue that was not of great concern for me as I was to move back to working with the spreadsheets, a preference of mine.  They included more data so that I was not disadvantaged over my colleagues.

But I broke.

I have been using a Mac for a long time and using the built in accessibility and with the help of my voice Lily, I have got on very well with it when I have needed it.

Having some useable sight I struggled to let go of that completely and with that I developed an eye strain that had a great affect on my levels of concentration for which I need to take eye drops on almost an hourly basis if I am using the computer or even watching tv or a film.

In October I took the step to visit my doctor again and explain these issues, she felt that it was important for me to understand my depression and how to deal with this and in turn my altering eye condition.  So she made an alteration to medications and put me forward for counselling.  Oh, and she signed me ‘unfit to work’

Having undertaken many changes in my life, some positive, some not so  I attended a final stage sickness review with my employer, and on Monday my contract with them was terminated on medical grounds.

I had always hoped to return to work, but this position was one, that even with assistive technology and support I would not be capable of, not through lack of knowledge or an imcompetance, just through circumstance.

This I think is a decision and understanding I had come to by myself long before the meeting, after all to get to stage three, I had been through stages 1 and 2, an in-depth report from my own doctor and an independent medical assessment.

It is heartbreaking to say goodbye to this job, today was the final ending as my ,ine manager collected all 6 boxes of computers, technologies and the hub that they had installed on the start of my employment.

This equipment has been boxed up for a few months to save it from the kids and dust, but the space it has left caused a tear or two.

I see this a defeat, I HATE to fail, to let people down.  To let myself down.  It is always hard for anyone to walk away from something when it is not working.  But hopefully this is one stress crossed of the list and will enable me to move forward.

Wish me luck.

 

Rock Bottom

Having thrown myself into everything and anything, I began to freakish that my time was being overtaken by my need to help others, and the reason I was helping others was to stop me thinking about my problems and my issues that I was having with understanding and coming to terms with my own condition and sight loss.

The catalyst for this came when I began to find out that magnification on my computer was not enough to help me at work, it was time to move on to a screen reading piece of software.  This is a wonderful technology, using hot keys you move around a document reading your way around each page instead of seeing it.

 

For me, this was just a nail in the coffin to confirm that I was different and couldn’t just get by like I always had in the past…….. Still now almost a year later after it was suggested to me, I can’t bring myself to do it.

I am a MAC user at home, you name it, I got it…. Mac Book Pro, Ipad, Ipod, Iphone…. Me and Siri have a love hate relationship at times and a my friends are now getting used to reading between the lines in my messages.

 

But for me, screen reading is a major hurdle and because of this, I have not been at work since October and my future in my role is now in question.

Its not the learning something new part that I struggle with, I have learnt brailleIts so much more than that….. its letting go of using my eyes so much.

Its Hard.  It has led me into a world of depression and feelings of loneliness.

 

Writing about this is very painful, so bear with me please…..

Now however I feel that I have hit my rock bottom.  So for now I’m learning to climb.  And to not fear, but instead accept help when it is offered.

That is the hardest part, being strong, independent, yet allowing myself to ask for help and not seeing myself as a failure for doing so

Burying my head in the sand.

As you have probably worked out by now, receiving the news that you have an eye condition that will only get worse and could result in you loosing all of it in time wasn’t the best news!

 

when I was first diagnosed I researched my condition and looked for the positives…. Or ‘perks’ as I know refer to them.  As silly as it sounds, I had to find some good out of this bad situation.

I received lots of help from my consultant, social worker and good friends.  This was when I discovered just how many VIPs there actually are in Fareham and support groups to help… So I started volunteering, first at an active group called FAAB and was soon followed by volunteering for a local club that ran under the umbrella of the Hampshire based charity Open Sight.

Disability issues and sight loss became my world for a few years, I threw myself into volunteering and in an odd way helping others with their sight issues shelled me.  but I began to feel that I needed to spend more time on myself and my family.  I do still volunteer and enjoy helping out, just a little less than I did.

When I stopped helping others, I realised  just how much my own sight condition did actually upset me, and this was when I fell apart.

This was when I started to really understand my sight loss and me……. To put this post into perspective…… Despite my registration being in 2008, this has only just happened for me!

 

I am a person!

I admit it, yes I have a disability…. But that is not all of me !!

As both a VIP (visually Impaired person) and GD (guide dog) owner the following scenario often happens:-

strangers stop you in the street and ask you if you know their friend/brother/daughter cousin. When you say no. You are often met with “oh, but their just like you.”

VIPs and GD owners don’t have a telepathic wave, just as wheelchair users or civil engineers or athletes don’t know everyone with the same condition or job as them.

I am me, an average height, bouncy (currently blonde) individual who also just happens to have a visual impairment.

I just try to follow this misconception when I was first registered.  I thought that as a VIP I would have the same interests as other VIPs, so I threw myself into ‘Blind clubs’ and charity work and I have to say that what I discovered shocked me a little.  The groups had helpful information, but on occasions things were not so pretty.  At times there were some very negative discussions, about how other disabilities weren’t as devastating as sight loss, yet got more recognition lot more help.

I think that this is a very short sighted (pun intended) view.  But by definition a disability Is a condition that puts person at a disadvantage physically, mentally, cognitively or sensory to others.

I’m not saying that because you have a disability you should be more understanding of others, but to fight one disability off against another is just like going back to the days of segregation where you only ‘mixed’ with your own kind.

a person is just that, they are defined by their personality, not by their disability. It is just a small the my of them, like the colour of their eyes, which hand they write with and fundamentally just like these other traits is part of a genetic makeup.  And outside their control.

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